When Boundaries Become Walls: Are You Protecting Yourself or Locking Love Out?

Written By Latoya Deslandes

Have you ever found yourself saying, “I’m done. I can’t let anyone hurt me again”?


In my work with women, I often celebrate the moment they begin setting boundaries. For many, it’s the first time they’ve truly said yes to themselves—protecting their peace, honoring their time, and no longer accepting what drains them. That shift is powerful and necessary.

But as healing continues, something else sometimes shows up. What started as a healthy boundary can slowly harden into something different: a wall. And while walls feel safe, they can also keep you from the connection, intimacy, and love you deeply long for.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your boundaries are protecting you—or locking you away—you’re not alone.

In this post, we’ll talk about what healthy boundaries really look like, the warning signs that boundaries have turned into walls, why unprocessed pain often sits at the root of it, and the small, practical steps you can take to move back toward life-giving connection.

 

What Healthy Boundaries Really Mean

Here’s where I usually begin with clients: understanding what boundaries actually are. Many women think of them as barriers, but that’s not quite right. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about protecting your worth and teaching others how to treat you.

Healthy boundaries are flexible. They let the right people in while keeping harmful behaviors out. They’re more like a front door with a lock: you decide who enters, when, and under what conditions.

For example, they might sound like:

  • “I need time to recharge after work, so I can’t always be available on demand.”

  • “I will love and support you, but I won’t enable your destructive choices.”

These kinds of boundaries create safety while still allowing space for healthy relationships to flourish.


When Boundaries Turn Into Walls

Walls, on the other hand, are different. They’re built from pain. They often rise after betrayal, rejection, or disappointment. Instead of being flexible, they’re thick and immovable.

If you are unsure whether your boundaries have become walls, here are some easy ways to tell:

  • You avoid vulnerability at all costs—even with people who have earned your trust.

  • You tell yourself you don’t need anyone, but deep down you long for connection.

  • You keep new relationships at arm’s length, never allowing them to deepen.

  • You mistake isolation for strength.

That’s when women tell me they feel “strong” because no one can hurt them… but together we uncover the fact that deep down, they also feel lonely.

 

The Root Issue: Pain That Wasn’t Processed

So where do these walls come from? In my experience—both from my training and from working with dozens of women—it almost always comes back to pain that wasn’t fully processed.

Heartbreak, betrayal, rejection—these wounds can feel unbearable. It feels easier to shut people out rather than to risk feeling that pain again. This is especially difficult if you find that you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people, and have been hurt multiple times. 

But here’s the hard truth: while walls may block hurt, they also block healing.

 

Moving From Walls Back to Boundaries

The encouraging part is this: walls don’t have to stay up forever. I’ve walked with many women as they slowly, gently began replacing their walls with healthy boundaries again.

It’s not about swinging the doors wide open overnight. Healing usually happens in small, intentional steps—brick by brick. Here are some steps I often share with clients:

  1. Awareness – Start by asking: Are my boundaries keeping me safe, or keeping me stuck? Simply noticing the difference is powerful.

  2. Process the Pain – Journaling, therapy, prayer, or safe conversations can help you face the hurt instead of hiding it. Unprocessed pain loses its power once it’s named and worked through.

  3. Small Trust Experiments – Practice letting someone in just a little. Share a small part of yourself with a safe person and notice how they respond. Over time, these small risks rebuild your confidence.

  4. Compassion for Yourself – Healing is not a straight line. Some days you’ll want to connect, other days you’ll want to retreat. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

Remember: boundaries should feel like doors with locks, not prison walls. You hold the key, and you get to choose when and how to open them.

 

Closing Reflection

You deserve love, intimacy, and life-giving relationships. Boundaries should guide you toward that, not trap you in loneliness.

So let me ask you:

  • Are your boundaries keeping you safe?

  • Or have they quietly become walls, keeping you from the very connections you long for?

✨ If you’re realizing your “boundaries” may have become walls and you’re ready to start breaking them down in a safe, supportive way—I’d love to walk alongside you. Book a session today and let’s begin the work of moving from isolation to authentic connection.

 

References

  • Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

  • Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

 

 If you’re realizing your “boundaries” may have become walls and you’re ready to start breaking them down in a safe, supportive way—I’d love to walk alongside you. Book a session today and let’s begin the work of moving from isolation to authentic connection.


 

Further Reading

If this topic resonated with you, here are two powerful books I recommend (Click the title to purchase):

These are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase through them—at no extra cost to you. I only recommend resources I truly believe will support your growth and healing.

Latoya Deslandes
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Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners (and How to Break the Cycle)